Friday, February 05, 2010

The name’s JT

+++++update: fabio did indeed sack terry off, putting the leadership baton in the capable hands of renowned clean lifestyle guru Rio Ferdinand. Not only has Johnny Terry let himself down, he's let down the whole of the country, especially Epsom. For that reason alone he needs to be regarded as an isolated case of immoral urges. And sent to play in Dubai instead.

Cull speculated years ago on the off-the-field activities for the modern footballer, but we still just feel sorry for Joan of Terry. The press are out to get him when Inglund need a strong leader with no pace, a suspect temperament and a tendency to showboat in the middle of defence when we go to the World Cup in South Africa this summer.

Our autosexed, highly titillated and ethically confused society want to hold him up as an example because we’re experts in hypocrisy, but JTgate has revealed a palpable tension on our moralmometer. He wasn’t the only Chelsea shagger of a teammate’s bird, the Sun tells us, and there’s mystery adulterers still un-outed. We just want to know the full story for fuck’s sake. No problems, this front-page business won’t distract from the tabloid rearguard against Irongland doing well at the WC with a fo-wren manager, hence all the ‘it's Capello’s decision’, ‘the Inglund manager must make the call on this’, ‘I am a frighteningly overweight sports journalist’ comments on that TV and in those presses.

Ministerial comment was quick to come. Sports sec Gerry Sutcliffe said: “On the field John Terry is a fantastic player and a good England captain, but to be the captain of England you have got to have wider responsibilities for the country. If these allegations are proven it does call into question his role as England captain.

Sutcliffe left these responsibildades vague but with the moral arrow dangerously pointing to extreme bad, we think they should include: spitting at Tevez (and other dangerous foreigns), over-reliance on Riccardo Carvalho, removing the peni from any intercourse with team mates' partners, preservation of foreign perception of the English as ignorant chauvinists obsessed by the second of those world wars, milking all sponsorship contracts, cash-in-hand-no-questions-asked access to Chelsea’s training ground (“the manager Ancelotti was fondling table legs just inches away as his captain demanded cash payment”), keeping footballers on the front page of national newspapers as Blair uses an inquiry into Iraq to threaten war with Iran, and thanking the public for all their hurt.

Joint Smelly has his backers, sure. Lampard's marshalling up close and behind JT of the appropriate type of celebrations from the foreigns for his Burnley goal reached new extremities of cretinanity for Francis Klamp – the perfect post-goal clasphost for his great friend.

In the interests of justice, Wayne Bridge, the curly haired left back wanderer from his position, sorry the victim, should be appointed England captain. It’s the least Joan Tearee can do after what he did to him. No, make it Rooney; he’s just a perfect sportsman.

With additional reporting from Nick Piles
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